1 00:00:02,415 --> 00:00:05,725 2 00:00:05,895 --> 00:00:09,205 3 00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:12,685 4 00:00:12,855 --> 00:00:16,131 5 00:00:16,295 --> 00:00:20,208 6 00:00:20,375 --> 00:00:23,526 7 00:00:23,695 --> 00:00:27,688 8 00:00:27,855 --> 00:00:30,653 9 00:00:33,175 --> 00:00:35,166 Meldrew. 10 00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,929 who...? well, put Mavis on, then. 11 00:00:38,815 --> 00:00:42,808 I don't care if she is reproofing a yashmak. I want to speak to her! 12 00:00:45,335 --> 00:00:50,170 Usual performance. She takes my ticket, disappears for half an hour, comes back. 13 00:00:50,335 --> 00:00:55,648 ''Do you remember when you brought them in?'' ''Last Thursday.'' Off she goes, comes back. 14 00:00:55,815 --> 00:01:00,809 ''what colour were they?'' ''Light grey.'' Off she goes again, still... Hello! 15 00:01:01,615 --> 00:01:04,083 Yes, I have got them here at home with me. 16 00:01:04,255 --> 00:01:09,454 I'm wondering what this rather offensive piece of paper is I've just found speared to the hook. 17 00:01:09,615 --> 00:01:12,732 ''This garment was extremely badly soiled 18 00:01:12,895 --> 00:01:16,683 ''and bore stains of an unusually resilient nature.'' 19 00:01:17,935 --> 00:01:20,403 what's it got to do with you? 20 00:01:21,455 --> 00:01:24,845 I bring my trousers in, I expect them to be dry-cleaned. 21 00:01:25,015 --> 00:01:29,372 Not reviewed in print by the laundry critic of the ''Sunday Times''! 22 00:01:29,535 --> 00:01:34,325 You might as well get Bernard Levin to do an essay on my socks and be done with it! 23 00:01:35,335 --> 00:01:39,851 Yeah... That's just the sort of remark I expected. I don't know why I bother! 24 00:01:41,655 --> 00:01:46,934 There we are. I think we made a good job of that between us, all things considered. 25 00:01:47,095 --> 00:01:49,609 How much did your decorator friend quote us? 26 00:01:49,775 --> 00:01:51,288 150. 27 00:01:51,455 --> 00:01:54,447 There you are. That's nearly £90 we've saved. 28 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,209 And he wasn't due to start till today, remember? 29 00:01:58,375 --> 00:02:00,047 Hmm. 30 00:02:01,335 --> 00:02:03,326 That was another thing. 31 00:02:03,495 --> 00:02:08,011 while I was waiting in the shop, three people asked me if I'd just been using TCP. 32 00:02:09,655 --> 00:02:14,649 I knew I should never have put it on. It's got a radioactive half-life of 2,000 years! 33 00:02:15,575 --> 00:02:21,605 Might as well give you a giant sandwich board with each bottle. ''Yes, I was wearing TCP!'' 34 00:02:22,295 --> 00:02:25,128 Oh, you got another book for the bedroom, then. 35 00:02:25,295 --> 00:02:29,493 Oh, yes. She jotted down the price of those paints for me as well. 36 00:02:39,295 --> 00:02:41,525 - Oh, my God! - what's that? 37 00:02:43,335 --> 00:02:46,327 Have you seen what this is written on the back of? 38 00:02:46,495 --> 00:02:50,693 - what are you talking about? - That woman who works in the hardware shop. 39 00:02:50,855 --> 00:02:54,848 It was her husband who stuck his head in the oven and gassed himself? 40 00:02:55,015 --> 00:02:56,368 Yes. 41 00:02:57,335 --> 00:02:59,895 This is his suicide note. 42 00:03:02,375 --> 00:03:05,128 - Don't be ridiculous. - Look! 43 00:03:05,295 --> 00:03:09,288 Just as if she'd be so insensitive to jot the price of a pot of paint 44 00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,969 on the back of her own husband's suicide note! 45 00:03:12,135 --> 00:03:14,649 ''By the time you read this, I will be dead. 46 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:20,125 ''My life has become such a gutted shell, 47 00:03:20,295 --> 00:03:25,164 ''I have decided to snuff out my worthless existence once and for all. 48 00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:27,724 ''Farewell for ever, Matilda. 49 00:03:27,895 --> 00:03:30,489 ''I go now to my grave.'' 50 00:03:32,055 --> 00:03:34,569 ''Dulux Satin Eggshell... 51 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,490 ''£5.95 a litre.'' 52 00:03:38,415 --> 00:03:40,690 God, you're right! 53 00:03:40,855 --> 00:03:43,847 You'd think she'd have shown a bit more respect. 54 00:03:44,775 --> 00:03:47,243 That's absolutely disgraceful. 55 00:03:47,415 --> 00:03:50,134 what must their marriage have been like? 56 00:03:50,975 --> 00:03:53,614 It's only £4.95 a litre at BandQ. 57 00:03:55,655 --> 00:03:59,887 Anyway, what time are we expected at your goddaughter's tonight? 58 00:04:00,055 --> 00:04:03,684 Any time after seven, I said. when we get there, really. 59 00:04:03,855 --> 00:04:08,326 I'm going to have a long hot bath. See if that'll soak away the TCP. 60 00:04:11,295 --> 00:04:13,889 That's the five of us again. 61 00:04:14,055 --> 00:04:16,853 That's Robert using the chemical toilet. 62 00:04:18,895 --> 00:04:21,409 Sorry, it's a bit out of focus, that shot. 63 00:04:21,575 --> 00:04:23,566 Yes, shame. 64 00:04:23,735 --> 00:04:29,287 This was Lulworth Cove in Dorset. Durdle Door there, that big rock formation in the sea. 65 00:04:29,455 --> 00:04:33,528 Stunning scenery, it really was. Oh, and this is... 66 00:04:33,695 --> 00:04:37,973 I think this is where Peter accidentally backs the Land Rover onto a duck. 67 00:04:39,735 --> 00:04:42,533 (ENGINE REVS, QUACKING) 68 00:04:45,015 --> 00:04:46,334 Tragic, really. 69 00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:51,531 - (VICTOR GRUNTS) - I hope we're not boring Victor. 70 00:04:51,695 --> 00:04:55,324 watch out, he's got the pastry! He's got the pastry! 71 00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,053 what? 72 00:04:57,215 --> 00:04:59,285 what the hell...? 73 00:05:00,255 --> 00:05:02,723 I wondered what that was. 74 00:05:02,895 --> 00:05:05,614 It's only little Jackie's pet tortoise. 75 00:05:06,695 --> 00:05:09,163 I thought it was a hernia. 76 00:05:11,375 --> 00:05:13,366 Give her here. 77 00:05:14,055 --> 00:05:18,333 Now, then. Five to eleven. I still haven't shown you that other one. 78 00:05:19,015 --> 00:05:23,247 I'm not sure how I cross-indexed it - under ''Jackie'' or ''baby''. 79 00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:28,334 Has someone been using TCP? 80 00:05:30,295 --> 00:05:33,685 Does Auntie Norma want to come in at all, do you think? 81 00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:38,849 No, she's fine out there. She's a bit shy with people she doesn't know that well. 82 00:05:39,535 --> 00:05:44,325 She feels safe behind frosted glass. She doesn't think we can see her. 83 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:50,407 Are you taking her on this holiday with you? 84 00:05:50,575 --> 00:05:54,853 what, Auntie Norma on a trekking holiday up the welsh mountains? 85 00:05:55,015 --> 00:05:58,769 Yes. That's the great joy of the Jeep, you see. 86 00:05:58,935 --> 00:06:03,804 we can just throw her walking frame in the back and go where we want. 87 00:06:03,975 --> 00:06:07,251 Can you see one with ''Jackie early '86'' in there? 88 00:06:09,415 --> 00:06:12,646 - Oh, here it is. - Is that the two-hour or the three-hour? 89 00:06:13,455 --> 00:06:16,174 - Oh, three-hour. - Thank you. 90 00:06:20,015 --> 00:06:22,654 Now, Peter filmed most of this. 91 00:06:24,295 --> 00:06:26,763 - There we are. - (BEEPING) 92 00:06:26,935 --> 00:06:28,414 Look! 93 00:06:28,575 --> 00:06:32,045 That's her head just starting to come out now. 94 00:06:34,175 --> 00:06:37,929 You see? Just very slowly and... 95 00:06:39,655 --> 00:06:43,534 - (BABY CRIES) - In a second, Sister cuts the umbilical. 96 00:06:45,975 --> 00:06:49,251 Are you all right, Victor? Some more wine? 97 00:06:49,415 --> 00:06:53,966 No, thank you very much. You don't have any Alka-Seltzer at all? 98 00:07:04,415 --> 00:07:06,610 what time is it? 99 00:07:06,775 --> 00:07:08,811 Ten past two. 100 00:07:08,975 --> 00:07:11,535 Oh, I'm ready for my pillow! 101 00:07:12,735 --> 00:07:15,249 I'm wide awake now. 102 00:07:15,415 --> 00:07:19,647 I'm not surprised. You had two hours' sleep at Jennifer's. 103 00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,887 Mind what you're doing with Kylie! How is she? 104 00:07:23,855 --> 00:07:27,370 Kylie's fine, as far as one can tell. 105 00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:32,803 Don't hold her upside down. She might get a nose bleed. 106 00:07:34,335 --> 00:07:37,691 One more thing to worry about, I suppose. 107 00:07:37,855 --> 00:07:40,369 It's only for a week while they're away. 108 00:07:40,535 --> 00:07:44,528 what possible trouble could a tortoise be? It's not as if... 109 00:07:49,655 --> 00:07:52,123 (VICTOR) Bloody hell! 110 00:07:53,495 --> 00:07:57,568 Our wallpaper... where's it gone? what's happened? 111 00:08:02,975 --> 00:08:07,491 ''Sorry you were out, but thought I'd make a start anyway. 112 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:13,173 ''Managed to get the worst of it off and bagged up ready for the dustmen. 113 00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:18,329 ''will come back Monday to start sanding down the woodwork. Cheers, Stan.'' 114 00:08:20,135 --> 00:08:24,128 - I thought you cancelled him. - I did. Last week. 115 00:08:24,775 --> 00:08:27,653 I told his mate Sid down the pub. 116 00:08:27,815 --> 00:08:32,730 I made it quite clear that we were going to do it ourselves and would he tell Stan... 117 00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:35,807 wait, wait! ''Told his mate Sid''? 118 00:08:36,895 --> 00:08:39,489 You didn't speak to him direct? 119 00:08:39,655 --> 00:08:43,728 I didn't have his address. I didn't know where to get hold of him. 120 00:08:43,895 --> 00:08:47,683 You didn't have his address? why didn't you try Dodge City? 121 00:08:47,855 --> 00:08:51,450 That's where all the other cowboys live, isn't it? 122 00:08:52,135 --> 00:08:54,330 I don't believe you! 123 00:08:54,495 --> 00:08:57,214 Five days it took to put this up! 124 00:08:58,895 --> 00:09:01,363 ''Didn't know where to get hold of him''? 125 00:09:01,535 --> 00:09:06,450 I'll tell you where to get hold of him. Round his bloody neck, if I see him! 126 00:09:06,615 --> 00:09:08,606 I'm going to bed! 127 00:09:15,175 --> 00:09:17,484 £12.50 a roll! 128 00:09:20,695 --> 00:09:23,368 I can't see her. She could be anywhere by now. 129 00:09:23,535 --> 00:09:24,854 Hmm? 130 00:09:25,015 --> 00:09:28,849 She was down the bottom of the garden, sniffing at the petunias. 131 00:09:29,015 --> 00:09:32,007 - who was? - Oh, Kylie! You haven't seen her? 132 00:09:32,175 --> 00:09:35,850 She's not been in here. Oh, I put that pie in the microwave. 133 00:09:36,015 --> 00:09:38,006 what pie? 134 00:09:38,175 --> 00:09:42,009 That big crusty pie with the four baby gherkins at each corner. 135 00:09:45,695 --> 00:09:50,689 If she's got out the back and onto that road, YOU'LL be in the microwave! 136 00:09:50,855 --> 00:09:54,643 She won't go out the back. They're very territorial creatures. 137 00:09:54,815 --> 00:09:58,205 Of course, you know all about tortoises. I forgot. 138 00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:03,047 That's why you spent half an hour last night trying to teach it to sing. 139 00:10:03,215 --> 00:10:05,649 I was not trying to teach it to sing. 140 00:10:05,815 --> 00:10:11,014 well, you were whistling at it and making those silly chirping noises. I saw you. 141 00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:14,531 - Look, I haven't got time... - All right, all right. 142 00:10:14,695 --> 00:10:16,686 (DOORBELL) 143 00:10:16,855 --> 00:10:22,054 If that's another Buddy Holly lookalike trying to sell us Sky TV, tell him we're blind and deaf. 144 00:10:22,935 --> 00:10:25,403 we don't need one of his satellite dishes. 145 00:10:25,575 --> 00:10:29,807 I'll weld a bidet to the side of the house. It'll be less of an eyesore! 146 00:10:30,735 --> 00:10:33,295 Oh! Thank you very much. 147 00:10:35,295 --> 00:10:36,808 Kylie? 148 00:10:38,255 --> 00:10:39,768 Kylie? 149 00:10:41,215 --> 00:10:44,048 where have you wandered off to now? 150 00:10:50,935 --> 00:10:52,448 Kylie? 151 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,287 Kylie? 152 00:10:58,895 --> 00:11:00,487 Kylie? 153 00:11:20,975 --> 00:11:23,045 I don't believe it! 154 00:11:37,615 --> 00:11:42,405 You lazy bastards! Couldn't you have even moved her out of the way first? 155 00:11:44,895 --> 00:11:47,363 (TOILET FLUSHES) 156 00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:57,368 I was trying to get this for Chris. He's just run out of hair tonic. 157 00:11:57,535 --> 00:12:02,211 well, Victor won't be needing it. He's just run out of hair! Take it. 158 00:12:02,415 --> 00:12:04,406 - Are you sure? - Positive. 159 00:12:04,575 --> 00:12:07,533 Thanks. It'll stimulate his roots at least. 160 00:12:08,215 --> 00:12:13,369 Very nice, Jean. Thanks for the plant. That came yesterday. I'll put this with the others. 161 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,803 I told them the 15th. 162 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:22,648 So, are you doing anything nice tonight? Going out celebrating? 163 00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:25,329 well, we were thinking of going for a meal, 164 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:31,411 but then this morning I got a card from Jennifer with two tickets for ''Les Misérables''. 165 00:12:31,575 --> 00:12:34,885 what, the musical? In London? That'll be nice. 166 00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:39,048 It's for tomorrow, the 16th, so we thought we'd make a night of it then. 167 00:12:39,215 --> 00:12:42,571 The trouble is, I don't think I've got anything to wear. 168 00:12:42,735 --> 00:12:46,569 I'm back! Ah, morning, Mrs warboys. 169 00:12:46,735 --> 00:12:49,533 Good morning, Mr Meldrew. Happy anniversary! 170 00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:53,324 Have you been using TCP? 171 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,409 Yes. Five days ago. 172 00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:03,045 Hello, is that the United Nations? Yes, it's Victor Meldrew here in England. 173 00:13:03,215 --> 00:13:07,447 Just to say that if Señor Perez de Cuellar asks who's been using TCP, 174 00:13:07,615 --> 00:13:12,086 just say I'm very sorry and I offer my apologies to the whole of mankind. Thank you! 175 00:13:13,135 --> 00:13:16,889 Right. well, I suppose I'd better be running. 176 00:13:17,815 --> 00:13:21,649 I'll see you tomorrow, then. Perhaps we can find something then. 177 00:13:21,815 --> 00:13:24,648 - Yes, we may well. See you. - Bye. 178 00:13:24,815 --> 00:13:27,727 - Bye! - Bye, Mr Meldrew! 179 00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,243 Did you have to wait long at the hospital? 180 00:13:31,415 --> 00:13:35,886 An hour and a half. An hour and a half sitting around like a toby jug, 181 00:13:36,055 --> 00:13:38,569 only to discover I'd lost the damn thing. 182 00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,374 - Lost it? - The urine sample they asked for. 183 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,923 Must have fallen out of my pocket in the bus. 184 00:13:45,095 --> 00:13:47,609 Perhaps somebody will find it and hand it in. 185 00:13:48,735 --> 00:13:53,206 After all the trouble I went to last night finding something the right size, 186 00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:56,606 sterilising that old hair tonic bottle out and everything. 187 00:13:56,775 --> 00:13:58,254 Yes. 188 00:14:00,815 --> 00:14:05,286 Right, that grass could do with another cut. where's the extension lead? 189 00:14:08,575 --> 00:14:11,089 (SINGS TO HIMSELF) 190 00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:19,972 where have you got to now? Kylie? 191 00:14:28,575 --> 00:14:31,089 (HUMS ''SUMMERTIME'') 192 00:14:36,895 --> 00:14:39,853 ♪ Fish are jumping 193 00:14:40,015 --> 00:14:43,405 ♪ And the cotton is high... ♪ 194 00:14:43,575 --> 00:14:46,043 (CONTINUES HUMMING) 195 00:14:47,815 --> 00:14:50,409 (DOORBELL RINGS) 196 00:14:52,415 --> 00:14:54,326 Kylie! 197 00:14:54,495 --> 00:14:57,089 (VICTOR wHISTLES) 198 00:15:18,455 --> 00:15:20,923 - Victor... - what? 199 00:15:21,095 --> 00:15:23,086 what is it now? 200 00:15:32,055 --> 00:15:35,047 Oh...brilliant (!) 201 00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:39,329 Morning, sir. Mr Meldrew, is it? 202 00:15:40,415 --> 00:15:43,407 I hope it's a convenient moment. My name's Barney. 203 00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:47,727 I wonder if I might ask you a few questions on satellite television. 204 00:15:47,895 --> 00:15:50,090 There's no obligation to buy. 205 00:15:50,255 --> 00:15:52,849 Does it look like a bloody convenient moment? 206 00:15:53,015 --> 00:15:56,007 - I won't be more than a few seconds. - Margaret! 207 00:15:56,175 --> 00:15:59,963 I wonder if you are aware of the range of programming available 208 00:16:00,135 --> 00:16:02,524 as a subscriber to Sky Television... 209 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,334 - Margaret! - Ah, Mrs Meldrew. 210 00:16:06,015 --> 00:16:10,531 Your hubby and I were chatting about the benefits of a subscription to Sky, 211 00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:16,452 many of which you will be aware of, but I'd like to give you a couple of names for consideration. 212 00:16:16,615 --> 00:16:19,209 Tony Blackburn and Derek Jameson. 213 00:16:27,215 --> 00:16:29,683 (MUMBLING) Not with the pastry. 214 00:16:31,495 --> 00:16:33,963 Not with the pastry. 215 00:16:34,135 --> 00:16:37,286 - For God's sake, shut up! - what's the matter? 216 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:42,131 will you stop going on about that bloody pastry every time you fall asleep? 217 00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:48,529 Pastry? why on earth would I talk about pastry in my sleep? 218 00:16:48,695 --> 00:16:50,686 I don't know. 219 00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:55,966 Are you still looking at that pet column? Put it away. I'm not having it! 220 00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:59,812 One tortoise looks like another. who'll know the difference? 221 00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:04,969 we will. we're going to know the real one was cremated to death in the back garden. 222 00:17:06,495 --> 00:17:09,009 what will you tell them? It was an accident? 223 00:17:09,175 --> 00:17:14,169 No, I'll say we fancied some tortoise tikka kebab and tossed it on the barbecue (!) 224 00:17:15,175 --> 00:17:22,411 It's just one of those things that happened and we'll just have to break it to them gently. 225 00:17:23,135 --> 00:17:28,129 There's someone here with a tortoise for sale in Dockrell Road. 226 00:17:28,295 --> 00:17:31,526 Now, I could pop in there first thing in the morning. 227 00:17:31,695 --> 00:17:34,084 I said no. 228 00:17:35,495 --> 00:17:37,565 No... 229 00:17:37,735 --> 00:17:39,726 Right. 230 00:17:39,895 --> 00:17:42,284 (VICTOR SIGHS) 231 00:17:43,935 --> 00:17:45,926 I said no. 232 00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:49,087 Keep away from me with the pastry! 233 00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:51,450 Not with that pastry! 234 00:17:59,215 --> 00:18:02,446 - Is that you off? - Yes, get something for myself. 235 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:07,086 Don't be too late back. You know what the traffic is like getting into London. 236 00:18:07,255 --> 00:18:10,053 You're not taking tranquillisers again? 237 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,604 No, I'm sterilising the bottle. 238 00:18:13,615 --> 00:18:17,688 - Oh, for your erm...? - Yes, they want it this afternoon. 239 00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:22,167 And tell Mrs warboys I'm sorry about Mr warboys' hair. 240 00:18:23,095 --> 00:18:25,370 Yes, so was he, by all accounts. 241 00:18:26,455 --> 00:18:28,923 - See you later. - Bye. 242 00:18:36,695 --> 00:18:39,926 Right. It's now or never, I suppose. 243 00:18:45,735 --> 00:18:48,533 Don't play with that, darling. 244 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:53,371 Go and help Daddy get Auntie Norma's foot out of the glove compartment. 245 00:18:53,535 --> 00:18:55,924 (PHONE RINGS) 246 00:18:58,575 --> 00:19:01,772 Hello...? Victor, how are you? 247 00:19:01,935 --> 00:19:05,052 Yes, just this minute... Lovely, thanks. 248 00:19:05,215 --> 00:19:09,128 How's Kylie? Hasn't been giving you too much trouble, I hope? 249 00:19:09,295 --> 00:19:12,492 well, no, that's why I'm ringing, I'm afraid. 250 00:19:13,295 --> 00:19:15,650 I'm afraid... 251 00:19:15,815 --> 00:19:18,807 she's dead, unfortunately. 252 00:19:19,895 --> 00:19:21,886 She er... 253 00:19:22,055 --> 00:19:24,649 I feel just terrible about this. 254 00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:28,774 She went out into the back garden and she must have... 255 00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,210 I beg your pardon? 256 00:19:32,895 --> 00:19:38,049 Quite peacefully, I suppose. One minute she was fine, the next minute she was... 257 00:19:38,215 --> 00:19:40,888 Oh, my God. 258 00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:43,694 Oh, Victor, I'd better go now. 259 00:19:44,455 --> 00:19:46,969 Thanks for letting me know, anyway. 260 00:19:47,135 --> 00:19:49,729 Yes... Yes, I will. 261 00:19:50,775 --> 00:19:52,254 Bye. 262 00:19:55,935 --> 00:19:59,007 Oh...God! 263 00:20:10,975 --> 00:20:14,172 I suppose it is being a bit dishonest, really. 264 00:20:15,735 --> 00:20:20,047 what's worse? Being dishonest or upsetting that little girl? 265 00:20:24,575 --> 00:20:28,170 I'll just pop it in to her. I won't be a sec. 266 00:20:42,135 --> 00:20:44,649 why is it you can never go when you want to? 267 00:21:10,015 --> 00:21:12,529 Can't stop. There's a friend outside in the car. 268 00:21:12,695 --> 00:21:17,291 But I thought you'd want her back as soon as possible. There we are. 269 00:21:17,455 --> 00:21:21,164 Yes, well, thanks for everything anyway. 270 00:21:21,855 --> 00:21:25,734 You can take her out in the garden now and play with her. 271 00:21:26,815 --> 00:21:30,285 well, I don't think that's such a good idea, do you? 272 00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,844 (MOUTHS wORDS) 273 00:21:35,135 --> 00:21:37,729 - Look, I'll give you a ring later. - Oh, right. 274 00:21:37,895 --> 00:21:42,889 And thank you for those tickets. we're really looking forward to it. See you soon. 275 00:21:51,655 --> 00:21:54,533 (MUMBLES IN HIS SLEEP) 276 00:21:54,695 --> 00:21:56,890 It's all gone now. 277 00:21:59,095 --> 00:22:01,814 There's no more pastry. 278 00:22:04,375 --> 00:22:06,843 - I'll take these for you. - Oh, thanks. 279 00:22:07,015 --> 00:22:11,008 You go on in. I've just got to pop this in the box round the corner. 280 00:22:17,775 --> 00:22:20,608 Anyone home? Yoo-hoo! 281 00:22:20,775 --> 00:22:23,005 Mr Meldrew? 282 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:26,167 It wasn't as crowded down town as we expected 283 00:22:26,335 --> 00:22:30,806 and Margaret managed to find just the right thing the first place we went in, 284 00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,966 so it was all we... 285 00:22:34,815 --> 00:22:37,170 Mr Meldrew? 286 00:22:40,855 --> 00:22:42,846 Mr Meldrew? 287 00:22:48,895 --> 00:22:50,886 Oh, my God! 288 00:22:59,775 --> 00:23:03,404 ''By the time you read this, I will be...dead. 289 00:23:04,215 --> 00:23:06,683 ''My life has become such a gutted shell, 290 00:23:06,855 --> 00:23:11,610 ''I've decided to snuff out my worthless existence once and for all.'' 291 00:23:12,655 --> 00:23:14,771 Oh, my God! 292 00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:17,927 what have you done? Oh! 293 00:23:32,495 --> 00:23:37,125 - (RETCHING) - what's happened? what's the matter? 294 00:23:37,295 --> 00:23:41,083 Just take his other arm and help me to walk him round the room. 295 00:23:41,255 --> 00:23:43,644 what's going on? what's happening? 296 00:23:43,815 --> 00:23:47,251 He's going to be all right. There's nothing to worry about. 297 00:23:47,415 --> 00:23:50,407 I think I managed to get it all out of his stomach. 298 00:23:50,575 --> 00:23:54,887 But we've got to keep him awake and hope that he might not faint. 299 00:23:55,055 --> 00:23:59,810 Got all what out of his stomach? what's happened? Jean! 300 00:23:59,975 --> 00:24:03,524 Look, the empty bottle and the note. Oh! 301 00:24:06,975 --> 00:24:09,808 Oh, no! 302 00:24:13,135 --> 00:24:14,648 what? 303 00:24:16,015 --> 00:24:18,370 what's the matter? 304 00:24:18,535 --> 00:24:20,685 (COUGHS) 305 00:24:20,855 --> 00:24:23,415 what have I done? 306 00:24:34,735 --> 00:24:37,124 - How's your throat now? - Fine. 307 00:24:37,295 --> 00:24:42,085 Absolutely fine since Mrs warboys took her finger out of it. I haven't looked back! 308 00:24:42,895 --> 00:24:47,889 Erm, a Ford Fiesta, you said? Can you remember when you brought it in? 309 00:24:48,055 --> 00:24:50,728 Yes. 23 minutes past six. 310 00:24:51,935 --> 00:24:53,448 Right. 311 00:25:00,935 --> 00:25:02,926 ''Les Misérables.'' 312 00:25:03,095 --> 00:25:07,247 - ''The miserable people'', right? - I presume so, yes. 313 00:25:07,415 --> 00:25:10,487 Brilliant show. Absolutely brilliant. 314 00:25:11,575 --> 00:25:14,885 So I'm told by people who have actually seen it. 315 00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:18,934 You checked the date as well as me. June 16th. 316 00:25:20,735 --> 00:25:25,013 Still, we should look on the bright side. The seats were very comfortable. 317 00:25:25,175 --> 00:25:30,807 For the three and a half minutes we were sitting in them! And we managed to get there early. 318 00:25:33,095 --> 00:25:35,290 One year early. 319 00:25:36,135 --> 00:25:39,127 Yes, that's one I wasn't expecting. 320 00:25:39,295 --> 00:25:42,173 That certainly was a corker, that one! 321 00:25:42,335 --> 00:25:46,089 The tickets being for June 16th next year! 322 00:25:46,895 --> 00:25:51,525 It's a very popular show. You have to book so far in advance these days. 323 00:25:53,255 --> 00:25:55,325 Erm, what colour was it? 324 00:25:55,495 --> 00:25:57,690 For goodness'... Light grey. 325 00:25:58,535 --> 00:26:02,926 You're not married to a woman named Mavis at my local dry-cleaner's? 326 00:26:03,935 --> 00:26:06,972 - Registration? - C65 GTB. 327 00:26:09,695 --> 00:26:12,767 If they've lost my car, that's it! 328 00:26:12,935 --> 00:26:17,451 It'll be me in that incinerator tonight. I've just about had enough! 329 00:26:17,615 --> 00:26:20,493 (CAR ENGINE STARTS) 330 00:26:35,935 --> 00:26:39,371 - That's not my car. - That's the number you just told me. 331 00:26:41,495 --> 00:26:43,884 It most certainly is not. 332 00:26:46,335 --> 00:26:48,929 My mind must have been on something else. 333 00:27:06,855 --> 00:27:10,325 By the way, I meant to tell you. I got another tortoise. 334 00:27:10,495 --> 00:27:15,967 I took it round to them this afternoon. They don't suspect a thing, so don't say anything. 335 00:27:16,855 --> 00:27:19,449 Let's just let sleeping dogs lie. 336 00:27:20,095 --> 00:27:23,849 I rang her up this morning just after you'd gone. 337 00:27:24,015 --> 00:27:27,087 I told her it was dead. 338 00:27:28,975 --> 00:27:30,966 She didn't... 339 00:27:35,535 --> 00:27:37,207 No... 340 00:28:16,775 --> 00:28:20,131 341 00:28:20,295 --> 00:28:23,207 342 00:28:23,375 --> 00:28:26,606 343 00:28:26,775 --> 00:28:30,211 344 00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:34,050 345 00:28:34,215 --> 00:28:37,525 346 00:28:37,695 --> 00:28:40,892 347 00:28:41,055 --> 00:28:44,172 348 00:28:44,335 --> 00:28:48,123 349 00:28:48,295 --> 00:28:52,049 350 00:28:52,215 --> 00:28:55,730 and I can still misbehave 351 00:28:55,895 --> 00:28:58,534 352 00:28:59,215 --> 00:29:01,854 353 00:29:02,855 --> 00:29:05,733